In 2015 and so far in 2016, toddlers have shot and killed more people in America than foreign terrorists (see here, here, and here). Insane, right? And what are we doing about it? Not surprisingly, the lefties would have you believe that this is about too easy access to over 300,000,000 firearms in the hands of private citizens. Typical. Once again, their knee-jerk reaction is to take away my god-given, constitutionally-guaranteed right to own an arsenal, no questions asked. Clearly they don't understand the root cause of this problem.
Let me begin with the simple fact: guns don't kill people, toddlers kill people. We have an epidemic of toddlers running around this country shooting their guns off and we have not held a single one accountable for their actions. As research for this article I visited correctional facilities in 6 states and not one had a single toddler incarcerated for gun violence. In such a consequence-free environment, it's no wonder things are out of control.
We are also doing very little to monitor the entry of new toddler-killers into our society. There are two primary sources: our maternity hospitals and the Mexican border.
Let me start with the border. I recently spent time with officer Ben Carlson (a pseudonym as he didn't want to speak publicly while Obama is still in office) of the Customs and Border Patrol at Presidio Station in Texas. He described an endless stream of toddlers with "calves the size of cantaloupes" coercing their parents across the border in a lawless assault on our country. I know what you're thinking. Not all toddlers are bad. But Mexico is not sending their good toddlers across. They're sending the ones that have shown themselves in psychological tests to be the most prone to gun tantrums. Officer Carlson has been pushing as hard as he dares for shoot-to-kill rules of engagement, but the lefty-dominated leadership at CBP refuses to provide the authorization. He just wishes he could do more for his fellow Americans.
And what about the hospitals? I live in the Boston area and at a single one of our hospitals, Brigham & Women's, there are over 9,000 babies born every year. Nine thousand! And what are they doing to ensure that those babies don't become homicidal toddlers? Absolutely nothing. But they are making a lot of money. If the average fees for childbirth are about $15,000 at B&W, they're cashing in over $100 million every year while single-handedly creating a future army of assassins. They also have a Level I trauma center that can treat gunshot victims. Coincidence? Does nobody else see this?
So here's my proposal.
First, we need to wake up our criminal justice system. Judges are weak when it comes to meting out punishment to too cute toddlers that get themselves all dolled up for their days in court, so we need mandatory sentencing rules. And we should make them simple so the still developing toddlers can understand them. Jail time until twenty-five Halloweens have passed for the first offense, We will save society from endless grief and the toddlers will emerge from prison as responsible adults with healthy teeth.
Second, we need a toddler trap at the border. Let the parents through because we need them to work on our farms, but keep the violent toddlers out. My proposal is to create single-file bridges with weight sensors and trap doors. Any time a person weighing less than 50 pounds is sensed, a trap door opens and the toddler falls through. Problem solved. The parents will probably delight in ridding themselves of their pint-sized criminals.
Third, we need to hold the hospitals accountable for creating such a menace to society. Whenever a toddler commits a crime, they should obviously face the full force of our criminal justice system, but so should the money-grubbing obstetrician who brought the toddler into the world in the first place. I propose five years of jail time. And the hospital should be required to pay the costs of incarcerating both the toddler and the obstetrician.
Finally, since we all know that you need a good toddler with a gun to stop a bad toddler with a gun, I propose that every toddler be required to own a gun and learn how to hunt rabbits before age five.
God bless America.